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This is Conlan
Conlan Spangler is a Cyborg from the center of the Earth.
If you read his blog regularly, you probably know that already.
You probably also know he's a freelance writer (which means mostly unemployed) with a major crush on Fresno, especially downtown, and was the force behind the short-lived FresnoMagBlog.
Here are the two things you may not know.
One: He is taller than he looks.
“That's all,” Spangler says.
We're sitting at a window table at Teazer World Tea Market in the Tower District and his face breaks into a sly smirk the way it often does and you can't really tell if that second thing is supposed to be left to the imagination, or disregarded completely.
This is Conlan.
This is Conlan's humor — pseudo intellectual, classical absurdism.
“Plus poop jokes,” he says.
He doesn't really do poop jokes.
What he does is write really clever blog posts, that leave you wondering A.) where he comes up with this stuff, and B.) why you didn't think of it first.
Ask him about his writing and with no hesitation he traces it back to fourth grade, Mr. Alkire's class, and a story about a girl in a dark dress — who was kidnapped and taken to a pool hall by a group of thugs. After reading the story Mr. Alkire encouraged Spangler to keep writing.
“He thought it was really good,” Spangler says.
He takes a beat and there's that sly smile.
“Which it was.”
As a personal favor, Spangler answers five questions he made up for himself.
1. Q: If you could have any job in the world, what would it be?
A: Well, I like helping people, so I'd probably want to be the guy in the dressing room who helps you try on clothes. You know, the guy who goes in the little cubicle with you. He's always full of helpful tips. Like, did you know that, for hygiene purposes, you should take off your underwear before trying on pants? I didn't know that until that guy told me one day. Plus, he'll hold your underpants so they won't get dirty on the ground. He's so nice. I just really want to help people the way he does.
2. Q: If someone pushed you out of an airplane without a parachute, what would you say?
A: I'd probably say, “Hey! Why'd you push me out of an airplane without a parachute?” Depending on the person's answer, I might then say either, “That was rude,” or, if they took a long time to answer, I'd already be dead.
3. Q: How can we solve California's financial problems?
A: I approach fiscal responsibility the same way I approach dating ... “Will you please, please, please be fiscally responsible? Nothing formal, just one drink. For, like, no more than an hour? I promise I won't try to touch you ... No? Damn it ...”
4. Q: Is it “their” or “there?”
A: Depends on whose asking.
5. Q: Do you ever yearn?
A: I've never knitted, crocheted, sewed, or embroidered. So, to answer your question: No, and I don't plan to start now!
And that's how it's done.