yes..i know in fact that there is a God..im begining to read gospel now and praying more often..im trying not to be distracted by evils anymore..i want to surrender myself to god and let him lead my way..yes i know it is hard but i will take every single step towards the light..there are things that i really cant understand but nevertheless i will walk in the path of God..i had read a quote from someone and it inspires me ..it says even if im feeling low and miserable whatever happens to me i will still follow God by all means...yes its true i felt guilty the time i read that because i doubted God and i am so sorry for that,..

well now im moving onward to be a better person...forget the past learn from it and face my life...

To all who gave their comments i thank you so much..now i know that there are people who cares...

Eric.

This stands out to ME

"Our hearts and souls are sorta like that, but only on a much deeper level.
We need meaning.
We need belonging.
We need love, and to be loved back.
We want to be understood.
We want know that we're cared for and that we're a part of something of value.
We want value (we want to be worth something.)
We want peace, We want to deal with our issues
We want to grow and progress."

The thing about those lines that stand out to me, they are all things that have no price, cannot be sold or owned at 5.7% interest. The thing that stands out to me is how wrapped up people get in life that it takes them away from their own being, and they try endlessly to replace those holes with money and mansions and sports cars. It's too bad. If a person sat and reflected on all their daily interactions with people, made notes on what parts sucked, and when they woke up the next day and made an effort to improve themselves by addressing what sucked the day before they could find themselves much happier than anything money can buy.

As far as drugs go, forget the whole crap about fantasy and la la land. Though they are an escape of sorts, the reality is that again a person is trying to replace the holes in their being with some kind of substance. I think it is possible for a person to have a good time while having a beer or three, or whatever suites your fancy. At the same time, when a person steps up to a bar saying, I just want to relax and mellow out a bit they aren't trying to escape so much as they are trying to enjoy a bit of time to themselves or even with some friends. A friend of mine made this statement once about why he never tried drugs, "I was never that bored". That is really a profound statement.

Love. It's definition varies and to me seems best summed up in a the word giving. When a person gives of their self to another, time, attention, caring, relating and other things a person finds deep meaning in, and in return does not expect that to be given back, that is love. The ideal of that situation, is that you do not expect the return of what you give, but it's given to you anyhow.

Man up? Yes. Give up? Never. Everything in life, to me, is relatable
to boxing. Sometimes you have to take one on the chin to get woken up and remind you this is real, this is no joke. That is when you grit your teeth, tuck your chin, keep your guard and begin your attack. Learn from the hit you took, what lesson was given to you and how to plan better so it doesn't happen again.

ducking dodging bobbing weaving countering and attacking,
Diablo

ps, I really hope emo is dead. Heavy Metal Mayhem Festival here I come. I really hope SlipKnot plays Heretic Anthem.

The 'driving a great distance to go to a famous church for a personal miracle part.'

I am so sorry you did that.
A woman I was recently dating and I were sitting at her church, and they were doing a series on 'money.'
Never a comfortable subject unless it's handled in some pretty specific ways.
It was right about the time when the founder of a (quite noted,) local church had announced that they were going to retire.
Somehow, the pastor (of the church I was sitting in,) came up with props to THAT church, and then wound it around into one of cornier and 'telethon,' quality comments (that really turned me off.)
'...Imagine what this place would be like (Fresno,) if that pastor had not founded that church, Imagine, now what this place would be like without *the present church* that you're sitting in.'
--The pastor had just, as part of their illustration to the audience, talked about all the mega-churches on Hearndon and Nees and all... and was now trying to convey to the congregation what it would be like if 'none of this was here.'

What bothered me about that?
What will always bother me about that?

I was sitting in this huge, high tech, big-ol overhead projecting of the songlyrics and every praise song was a faux U2 quality production... whole thing was a major production, cameras on the speaker, videos produced each week and such, tons of advertising for upcoming series and church programs (etc. etc.)
-The truth of the matter is: the church had just built this massive place, the country has now gone into recession, and they are worried that the congregation is going to give less, (because the congregation is (themselves) financially really having to tighten their belts (and/or) are tanking financially...

Sorry, but that isn't really God.

(I'm sure a lot of folks who go to huge mega churches with a lot of hoopla are going to get riled at that.. but I need to further explain.)

The heart (IE: the truth,) of the situation between anyone and God, me and God, you, anybody... is remarkably personal.

When you read the Bible (stories,) you'll find probably one of the first ones to be about Abraham (Abraham as in Father Abraham... (Jews, Muslims both claim him,) ---but he's a pretty good start for what I'm about to say.

Bible tells us that Abraham was off somewhere, not involved with God, doing some other practice, and was doing whatever he did as worship (the definition of 'worship,' being -the thing that motivated him in life, he was pouring out in thanks to... (I'm going with the truth of: whatever inspires and motivates you? Is the god that you worship.)

So there Abraham (called Abram initially btw,) was, off with his own understanding of things.
And God shows up (reveals Himself,) and says 'I'm going to introduce myself to this guy, I need to convey who I am, and relate to him personally.)

Abram wasn't off in some church somewhere, he wasn't in seminary, he wasn't religious in the correct sense... it's almost as if there really wasn't a religion going around...
What's cool is: God was like: '...Need to talk to my boy here, he needs me, I love him, we need to talk and he needs a god that loves him and cares for him.'

That started the whole ball of wax.
And if you read the story, it gets pretty wild.
I mean, Abram had his issues, he had family issues, those family issues touched off two of the great religions of the world (Jews and Muslims,) ---but through the whole thing, it's a really cool story about how all of Abrams behaviors, his kids, his kids-kids, ---all the way down, were interracted with directly with by God, and how God showed patience and love during some pretty intense stuff.

There were no mega churches in that, by the way.

When you look at the other stories, the other characters, even up to Christ Himself and how He related to others in the New Testament, -you see the same situation:
God (who knows all, and who has a right to call 'what's what,') deliberately goes out of his way to touch people who are on the fringes, people who are deeply immersed in culture, politics, 'religion' already, folks who are certifiably insane (or in some cases even demon possessed, ALL who have had lives where they were putting all sorts of other things (to substitute,) for that real relationship with God...
Drugs are nothing new, neither are thrills, all sorts of strange practices and relationships, plans, schemes, courses... you name it...

Jesus walked in on a lot of people's lives (I'm skipping up to Jesus here, as the Bible refers to Him being God in the flesh among us (regular folks,) ---and each time broke it down in very simple terms.

One of the stories I was reading in this past sunday was about a woman who was completely ostracized by her town, was of a group of people who were ostracized by 'the religious,' and who had a endless series of failed relationships just trying to have a boyfriend, (let alone a real and healthy family life...)
--Jesus, (just after doing the miracle of feeding a football stadium of people with a kids lunch,) ---sends the apostles off to 'go get some food,' ---and deviates from course, --just to meet up with this lady in the hottest part of the day, at the village well, and she's not exactly what anybody would call 'nice.'
(Notice how he gets his closest followers 'out of the way,' by sending them to the grocery store so he can have some time alone with this person.)

In the conversation, which, again, was not all '...ooooh, Jesus, nice ta meetcha dontcha know.' ---Christ talks with her, identifies the very thing that she's looking for (in an an immediate sense,) and then identifies (to her,) what she really wants ultimately... and what she's been looking for the whole time.
He then, without much fanfare tells her the truth '...what you're looking for is me.'

That has never changed.
That has been the deal with God and mankind since the start.

Doing drugs, doing various relationships, getting good grades, collecting bicycles, endlessly rebuilding your house, seeing how many shoes you can buy, following a sports team, walking endlessly in the woods, or even maintaining some 'posture,' of 'not knowing about God, like WHO knows.'
---All that, in truth, are things that range from (accidental) obsessions to deliberate hold outs, ---when the answer to what will really satisfy a person is that intimate relationship with Christ.
There really is no other way to say it.
(Note: I'm not trashing out 'things,' nor healthy desires to 'do well,' or even 'have fun,' ---I'm speaking about those endeavours replacing and substituting in our lives what really matters and what really can bring fulfillent.)

What upset me so much about the pastor standing up there on the stage making remarks about '...can you imagine what it would be like without this church (meaning the building the congregation, the pastors (the whole thing.) was:
It wasn't about all of the production.
It wasn't about everything that cost so much.
(It wasn't about, even the 'miracles,' that folks go looking for.)

People loose sight of the simple reality of the situation.

What we all need is NOT a bunch of advanced programs, big buildings, lotsa spending, fancy clothes, and productions of song that rival most concert venues.
Sitting there in the big auditorium with all the theatre production and sitting there (same spot) on a peach crate in the dust in the foothills, (before the big fancy expensive 'church?'
God is still God.
the Relationship is the same,
And the needs can still be met...

Where the need is in in the heart.
It's in where we really are in the dark.
It's internal, it's not reached by a group, it's not something you drive to, and it really doesn't involve other folks on it's most important and basic level.

(People act like a relationship with our Creator is something that was finally perfected with digital or something... that's a complete lie.)

It's ancient, it's simple, it's intimate.
No electricity required.

Christ knew this, and (again,) made it a point to spend time with each person that He cared for and discussed their hearts, and touched their lives in ways that really only worked for them, often were way too personal for other folks to 'get,' --and it was from that point outward that things changed and got better.

I realize that a lot of churches present themselves like they're some sort of holy disneyland or event that is 'God with us: come here and experience God for yourself.'
-but the truth of the matter is: just like any other real relationship, the communion of us and God is one to one, (and that other stuff often really gets in the way and missrepresents the real deal.)

The correct answer to the pastors plying of the congregation with telethon quality guilt tripping remarks like '...can you imagine what this place woudl be like without *that church* there?'
-'..yeah, sure... in fact, having had a personal relationship with God for over thirty years, and having only been around this particular church setting for a few months, I not only can imagine it, ---but I can assure you that it has not been that important, and the whole building could come down and it not be such a big deal...'

Heckuva thing to say... (not looking to be mean.)

But again, the relationship you have with God is something that happens right there as you're asleep, as you're waking up, as you're grabbing a shower, as you're eating... through every minute of the day and night.
'God,' is not sitting at a place somewhere, waiting for you to show up.
'God,' (Christ,) is not some event and concert, He's not handed out by 'official God dispenser peoples' -like going to the DMV to get some sort of certified tag for your licensplate so you can go on with your business and be done with the hassle.

Funny thing is, in the present relationship of us with God (which is where the Holy Spirit comes in,) ---you have God, who is also Christ, ---and Christ, after defeating death (that whole crucifixion (Good Friday Cross) and resurrection (Easter Sunday 'up from the grave he arose,') thing.)
---As he was headed back to heaven (Christ,) He said pretty clearly '...I'm sending a comforter to you, and I'll be with you, wherever the Comforter is, there I am.'
---Considering he was talking about the Holy Spirit, and that the Holy Spirit (an actual being, an actual personality, NOT just 'power' (like they're a 220 volt line,) ---But considering that the Holy Spirit has the ability to be not just everywhere at once, (vs.being 'stuck in a body,' like Christ was,)
AND
Considering that a spirit moves on levels waaaay deeper and more intimately than anything else...
-The relationship is even better illustrated regarding how close God wants to be with us (as individuals.)

The story about the woman who Jesus spoke with in the hot of the say (also known as 'the Samaritan Woman,' or 'the Woman at the Well,' sorta explains a few things.
--This is Fresno.
It's already getting hot (I'm from NY,) ---and I (personally) always ride around with a gallon of water in my car or truck... (I'm not a hot weather person.)
---When I moved here from NY I drove cross country in a pickup with two cats, and my father was like: '...always be sure to have at least five gallons of water with you in the cab of the truck...'
(Dad's a little extreme (Marines) ---but he was just looking out.)

When I would be driving along, and it got hot, I needed water.
On my bike, even if I'm just tearing up Cedar on a warm up lap for the day, I still need water (usually a mouth full or so,) followed by more when I get home...

Without water? I die.
I think this works for everybody.

When the 'the woman at the well,' was talking with Jesus, He was like '..You came here to draw water, (which you need to stay alive,) and you have to come here every day... (yet she was there in the hot of the day when nobody else dared go outside... apparently she was NOT a village favourite (nor) a real social butterfly.)
---Jesus said '...how about I give you water (life,) that will last, that will be permenant, that will satisfy your thirst (not just) for now, -but forever...'

She got that... I mean, he had to explain that the relationships and ways she was looking to be fulfilled were NOT slaking that thirst, ---and a relationship with Him would (which, it did,) ---and that's the turn in the road that some folks never really get.
---We understand that we have basic needs just to stay alive.
(Okay, food, (check) water (check,) shelter (check) (--all these things, which last only a brief while.)

But we put all thest (immediate temporary 'cure,') things in us... knowing that we're going to need more.

Our hearts and souls are sorta like that, but only on a much deeper level.
We need meaning.
We need belonging.
We need love, and to be loved back.
We want to be understood.
We want know that we're cared for and that we're a part of something of value.
We want value (we want to be worth something.)
We want peace, We want to deal with our issues
We want to grow and progress.

all that and more.

The lady at the well was looking for the same stuff, -as we all are.
Gods answer was '...Me, you're looking for Me, I'm here, and I've come to YOU, (and I probably was not what you were expecting.. huh..' (In fact, she didn't recognize him (as God) until the very end of the conversation, when He had really touched her heart, explained a few things, ---and just revealed himself to her by his presence, and in ways that really only worked for her...

That's how it goes with God.

Though I can hear from Him and feel His presnece in a huge congregation and with a major production...
To be honest with you?
That is not what is the core of my relationship, nor what sustains me. (In fact, 'that particular church,' '...can you imagine if we were not here...' -from that pastor?
None of that is in my life now...
Not that church,
Not that pastor,
Not that experience,
None of those 'friends,'
Not that woman,
Not her kids
Not that 'future,' that we were looking towards...

It's all gone.

(Oh trust me, they're fine, she's fine, the church is still there, it's all moving along quite well...)

It's just that THAT situation is completely over.

-and if THAT situation was 'how God worked in my life, how God expressed Himself and cared for me,' ---I'd be screwed.
(Not even one pastor nor member of that church has called and been like '...hey, Eric, we're really sorry about you and _________ how are you doing, can we pray with you, are you hangin' in there?'

I mean, I know when somebody breaks up with you, you generally don't hang out with their peeps... ---but (as this is a Church,' --and as pastors are supposed to be, I guess non-partisan when it comes to deeper relationships? ... (oh well, maybe they'll get it right next time.)

It's not that big a deal.
It's not the production.
It's not THAT church, ---and to be honest, it's not 'church,'
It's God in a personal relationship with us, not via some church, (be it large and way over budget,) or tiny off on the prarie, or down in a storefront...

Don't confuse the building and the production for 'church,' (which is actually the people, gathered (not the place or facilities,)
--and don't confuse the 'church' (the people, none of them perfect, often times NOT getting it right,) for God.

The cool thing about it?
(And this is another fact I'll lay on you, and have no fear of it not coming true...)
Miracles and stuff...
Well, they happen sometimes, and they happen sometimes not.
(We're told not to look to 'miracles,' but the one who does them...(different focus.)
---Anyway, the fact?
God, just like ol' Father Abraham, just like the woman at the well, ---Is still all about walking around looking to draw closer to anyone who is in need, (and that's everybody, --particularly on the level that God meets us at.)
He not only knows that what we need is Him, ---but he also knows that we're not going to get it right, that we really can't understand Him nor what He's all about with our little pea brains (sorry, but infinite being vs. anything from this planet is no fair match... trust me.)
---And He's never let THAT communication and desire for relationship pass or fail based upon our understanding and our 'getting it,' and knowing exactly what to ask for.

I had an uncle die last weekend.
He had a stroke, and they got to him too late.
He was old, he had a full life, and he's now gone, (end of story.)

He have made it (IF) they had found him in time,,, -but that was not the case, and he died doing what he wanted to do, (actually he was probably getting ready for work in his apartment on a ranch.)

If they had found him 'just as the stroke was happening,' and 'if they knew what to look for, and what he needed,' ---there may have been a different outcome.
---During that time?
Well, he probably didn't know what hit him (strokes are sort of like that,) and when people are in physical distress, they do strange things and sometimes know enough to know 'something ain't right,' ---but don't really know what they need besides 'help.'

(I think uncle Jimmy was unconcious and basically in lah-lah land when the end came, but that's how strokes go...)

Not to be offensive...
But folks who do not have this relationship with God, know something is wrong.
Maybe it's been wrong for a long time.
Maybe while things have been wrong, they've done a lot of other things (think of them as home remedies that didn't work, bad logic, fables that weren't true, ---etc.) ---and how that compounds the issue.

Just like my uncle, just like anyone in distress, there is (usually,) a time where a person knows, '...somethin ain't right, I'm hurtin, I'm in need, and this is serious.'
---The good part?
We know that something is wrong (there are plenty of medical conditions that show no warning signs.)
---but when it comes to this relationship with God, we know that we need.

Cool thing is: Unlike when somebody dies for lack of communication or adequate medical attention: ---You have a situation where God knows what you're looking for, and is there.
(Are you aware of it amidst your feelings? Maybe a little, maybe not so much... it depends.)
---but feelings are not what we put our faith and trust in.
-We put them in reality and sometimes that reality is not completely understood right off the bat, (if ever.)

There are a lot of things and a lot of quesitions I've had about God, how life works, why things happen, and what's going to happen next, -with this life, and in my relationship with God.
-Cool thing is: if I get it, or don't, it's not up to me to figure it out, it's not my engineering, and to be really honest?
It's not 'how much I love God,' that makes or breaks the deal, (nor dictates my care from Him.)

It's all based upon Gods love for me, (which is pretty humbling,) and that's the deal with anyone.
In the 'relationship' sphere? God's amazing to me... He's wonderful... I've never had anybody love me like that... ever.
Me? I suck.
and I'm a halfway decent guy on a good day.
That does not sway God.
That never will.

And that's how it is for anybody.

Don't get distracted by all these other things.
A lot of people, churches, and institutions are going to present 'God,' and this relationship as being this thing that you have to attain or attend their gatherings and such to be a part of...

Nope.
At the beginning of the day, and at the end of it?
It's very personal, very intimate, and all the rest of it just sort of 'involves,' what is, at the core, a very personal, intimate, and person by person experience.
That's what you're looking for, (my gut on it.)

That's what worked and continues to do so for me.

Even if this is confusing?
I completely trust the situation and God enough, that if you flip off this posting and say... '...dudes a loon, I have no idea where he's coming from...' --and you ask God to explain Himself and hold you, and draw close in ways that only you will get (and that you really need?)
It will happen.

Again, if you'd like gimme a holler, I'd be happy to pray with you.
I can bounce you a Bible that is pretty easy to understand (there are some good ones out there (I mean, the message is the same, there are just some translations and formats that are easier to understand for some folks... like different builds of sneakers, ya know.)

Main thing is: ask God to explain Himself, and be close... You'll find it's more of a 'revealing,' of that fact to you, ---not like you're going to see somebody coming up on you from a distance.

You have no idea how close Christ really is.

-Eric

PS:
---not that it's an 'afterthought,'
---the 'Love' thing?
that comes from God... (I mean, the origins, the kind you want, the kind you want to give back and receive,) so I figured I'd focus on the source of that desire, first.

thanx for the comment eric and daddy spleece..
i know god is good that he is always beside me..i know i have to move on and learn how to forgive..
eric yes before i was reading a bible and i travelled miles just to go to a famous church just to pray and hope for a miracle..i drove closer to god after my breakup but i dont know what happened it seems that i lost my faith in him and i changed a lot..
my eyes was opened in the reality of this world i did drugs just to try new things making me float between reality and fantasy and sometimes i dont know whats normal anymore..i dont know why but it seems that god is too far away from me.. in nights i always mutter that "you left me god like he had left me"...
maybe my story is same with others who had broken relationships..you know what scares me?? one day i will woke up not believing in anything..coz now i really don't believe in LOVE anymore..

>What works for me, is knowing God

Yeah, I know that dood. Ain't no Christian, but definitely know that dood...

-s

On the one hand:
-suck it up, don't be a wuss, quit yer whining, and face the pain with the rest of us, I had to walk up a broken heart, in the snow, both ways, in the snow, with no shoes or feet, in the snow, and got shat upon by my beloved TOO...

On the other hand?:
This could be reposting of lyrics... (emo)
or
(country)
or
(opera)
...aren't there any Beatles tunes this depressing ('...Yesterday...') (known in the catalogue, before it had words penned to it as 'Scrambled Eggs.')

I think there are some valid points to this...
I think there are some valid feelings here, to feeling trashed out and not wanting to go on further.

And whether you're some troll, some computer-telemarketer-or some schlub writing stuff just to interject an advert for a bug-killing service in the tower...

People do feel like this, it is a reality, and it is a concern.

Is it a story that we're supposed to just piss all over and say 'get over yourself??'
I don't think so.
And several billion readers of such beauts as 'Romeo and Juliette,' (not to mention every other pop-song every other day,) all speak of the same things.

I will say this:
If you are this down? If you are going under this bad?
...well, try not to feel this way in Fresno...
(Fresno has this peculiar 'swim or die,' mentality, and the milk of human kindness is not always put forth in the first ten minutes to fifteen years of the conversation.)

Who does care?
Well... Ultimately God.
(yay, watch the buzzers and bells go off... 'no preaching on Fresno Famous.' ...ahuh got it..)
-but it is a site where people are allowed to share what has worked for them and what truths they know...

This is a truth I know.

If you are looking to find the strength in yoursself... well... how's that going so far? (not looking to be snotty here,) ---but obviously things aren't going so well... and that's simply the shortcomings of being human.
Humans try, they sometimes fail, they fall, and they sometimes check out... all based upon their own weakness, (or) the rotten things done to them by others.
Humans aren't as strong as they think they are, are way more vulnerable than they'll ever admit to being, --and are a lot more in need than they'll ever admit, either. (But that's an individual.)

How about others???
Get a support group, find a close circle of friends (etc. etc.)
Okay... good things I guess... (I personally am more of a loner,,, but there are definitely people that I am close to, who affect me deeply, who I think sometimes '..man, if they weren't here life would be horrible.'
--That's in a great sense.
-But the truth of it is... even a lot of friends, or anybody else who's a human (as well,) will have shortcomings, --and there is not always the connection and support that we need.
People, with all good intentions, fall short (not only of themselves, but in their care of others, as well.)

So what's left?
Animals and nature?
Cool... I got two cats. Love animals in general, and am probably the 'crazy cat lady,' of my neighborhood... (which is a bit strange, as I'm not that crazy, and definitely no lady, lemmme tell ya...)
-but as great as the companionship of other living things can be... when things are really rough, there is an emptiness and a lack of strength and peace and communion ...(though honestly a well meant 'meow,' or 'woof,' (or that cool thing horses do that massive 'pbbbbbbbblshhbliffff.' thing.) THAT goes a long way when your bummed.

What works for me, is knowing God.
Sounds weird to some, is way overplayed in this town, and to be honest, there are probably more Christians per square inch in Fresno than anywhere else...
-Why this place can suck so bad, so often? A clear sign that we (the Christians, the ones who know God,) aren't conveying, expressing and demonstrating God's love for anyone as good as we should...

Doubt this posting will be all that effective, but I can at least tell you the truths that I know.

If God is real, and if the Bible is true? These things are true as well.
-If God is God? then God knows everything, (all your good, all your bad, all that has ever happened... God knows.)
-If God is God? then God is everywhere, (that means: everywhere, when you want them there or not, don't matter, God is there, and God is not going to go away, nor turn away from you despite the situation.)
-If God is God? then God claims to love infinitely and intimately.
---what does that mean?
(Though it doesn't get talked about much in this town... lotsa judgement on tap here in the 'no,)
--God loves you. God loves anybody, but God specifically loves you.
Why? Well, how about your being created, designed, and composed by God for stuff that God knows about, and has meant you to do and be... (ready for the fuzzy bunny stuff??? You're special... it's true.)
---and even if you're 'special bus,' special, you are still special, created unique, and given gifts and insights, and experiences that nobody else has, and that are meant to interract and be a part of others lives in ways that only God could have designed and created...
If you go? There is nobody else gonna do and be what you are. Done, said, end of story.
That's one of the reasons why checking out (even if it is simply mentally,) is a bad thing to do... You were meant to be here in this life, and you mean something to it, to others, and to God who created you on time, and with what and who you are to be a part of this life yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

God loves:
-Now, what does that mean?
Does it mean that you get to have a wunnerful life full of a lot of great stuff? (so if you send in your money to the church you'll get blessed back even more nyuk-nyuk-nyuk...)
No.
It means that God, who also claims to be 'the good shepherd (vs. the bad shepherd,) cares for the flock, cares for the individual, and seeks to meet your needs.
-That means the needs (immediate,) food, water, shelter, clothes... etc.) -God knows about and wants you to have... ---is it always Gucci and 4 star fare??? No. Sometimes it's a baloney sammich with clean chonies, sorta clean socks, and 'time to hit the laundromat,' pants and shirt...
---But your needs are to be met, you're not supposed to starve.

-NOT STARVING also means real realtionships.
That means you don't have to be some poor buggar in a trailer off somehwere who only has the cats to talk to... (though if there are any poor buggars off in trailers out there reading: Hello poor buggars, me and my cats say hi...)
--What I'm saying is: there are relationships that you are meant to (MEANT TO) be in that are good and healthy and fulfilling:
--and there are those that are NOT good nor healthy nor fulfilling.

Now... I'm sure Heroin is a lot of fun, and a great way to kill a day (in terms of feelings and all...) ----but the results of taking it? Devestating and way worse than any of the benefits.
---Some relationships are like that... (heroin,)
Great rush, total overload of senses and self... but.. um, in the end?
You wish you were dead, you look like you're dead, you feel dead, and you smell like you're dead...

God, caring, does not want us in relationships that are like that.
(Got it?)
That's not to say that we're supposed to be in stuff that is as boring as oatmeal and devoid of passion, intimacey, eroticism, fulfillment, (all that wild crazy stuff...)
It's just that there are ways of going about it that are good, (and with people who we are meant to be with,) and ways that are not...
A LOT of times I've felt like '...yeah, this is great, this is what God wants...' ---but it wasn't, and as much as it sucked to find that out, and go through it... in the end? I was sooooo blessed to have something crash and burn, (feeling at the time, like way too soon,) ---than for it to go on longer and be a more permenant thing...

Does it get weird... oh yeah.
How do you think this Yankees fan wound up in Fresno...?
-but I digress.

God loves, loves you, and intimately knows what you need, want, and who you are.
Nobody else does on that level... not even you. (Sorry, but you did not design you, I did not design me, the whole 'self-made,' thing is a joke... You were designed by a greater being who is a lot smarter and has way cool stuff planned, ---and who loves you in ways that you cannot begin to understand, ---but will uncover and experience as the minutes, days and years go on... That's a promise, and I don't just throw promises out there... When I say something, I mean it. (ask both my friends and enemies, they'll confirm it.)

This intimate love, this relationship that can be found, only on the deepest levels of yourself, and only with God is already happening in some ways and you're not aware of it... (which is why things feel so bad right now, and it looks so dark.)
---You don't realize this, but God is holding you.
The Bible says that, literally, all his held together by Christ (God,) and that there is an unseen hand guiding everything...
---People look at major issues (wars, disease, weather catastrophe, American CheeseFood Slices... and say '...If God cares, He's doing a crap job of caring.'
---They also look at the more intimate things, and are sometimes told by other Christians (wrongfully,) that God stands off, that God can turn away, that God makes deals and 'reacts to our behavior,' by witholding Love and blessing, until we 'get it.'

Sorry, but I don't see that in the Bible.
(Yeah, I read the Bible.)

In the Bible, God pours out Blessing and Forgiveness, and gives peace to those who do not deserve it, who screw each other over, and who are basically miserable, lying, basically nasty things, (which, if you're not that bad, imagine how bonkers He is of you??? You're probably one of the easier ones to offer kindness and love to compared too.... oh I dunno... Idi Amin or something...)

But that's not quite it either.
God looks at everybody the same. Me, You, my Mom, Adolph Hitler...
Everybody starts out as one thing, and winds up the same.
'...This is a person who I created, this is somebody who I made, who I have and had plans for, this is my kid, and (no matter how messed up they are,) they are still my kid, and I want them, and want them doing better and to know how much I love them...'

And that is not earned nor deserved...
God loves us because we exist, because God made us.
God loves us because God's decided to, and promised to do so, despite us, --and because the same love that God has for Christ (God's Son) He has for us...
It was God's choice to do so, and He doesn't change his mind.
That love means Mercy (instead of 'justice,')
It means Grace (instead of what you 'earn,')

We may have trouble looking at a 'bad person,' and saying '...yeah great, God loves that person... what an idiot, (God or them,) does God have any idea what that person has DONE...?'

But the truth of it is... God does know.
God Forgives.
God isn't sitting there with a short card and six spaces to fill in, and is looking at you and saying '...okay, Charlie, one more time and you're off the team...'

God doesn't see you as a loser or a winner.
God loves you as you are.
...and, to be honest, really isn't into letting you sit and steep in misery.
That's it.

The Bible also tells us that Christ himself was a man of sorrows, well acquainted with grief, and is close to the broken hearted... (We're also told (the Christians,) to laugh with those who laugh, and weep with those who weep... (I'm sorry that there aren't that many folks around to share your feelings... we're supposed to be equipped and open in our support of others to be this way...

And that, to be honest, is one of the reasons why I'm nuts about God.

I am an okay guy,,, but to be honest, I can really suck too.
I am far from perfect,
I am not always lovable,
and I'm not Alpha Team anything (that I'm aware of.)

---And I've had more relationships tank than most people I know... (I'd write a book, but it would be very boring and often come up to the same theme:
'...This guy kept looking for a life and love in other people, and was let down every single time, ---until he looked to God, and was given (in that relationship,) what he needed... Now, he's not sitting alone, feeling like a gork eating vermin at an English High Tea, ---and is not alone.' (I still make some of the same dumb mistakes, God has never said '...that's it, I'm through with you...'
-and that holds me forever...
NO other way to say it.

I am not aware of any other 'belief system,' that claims this... most everything else is some sort of 'earning,' your way to acceptance and forgiveness... That's not how it works with God, IT's there for you, all you have to do is ask.

A lot of people laugh at this.
That's their choice.
(Doesn't change God's love for us or them.)

A lot of people laugh at other Christians,
---or more exactly are pissed at them, and hate the way their churches work...
(I completely understand this, and am not pleased with most of the 'Christianity,' that I see practiced here... It's often judgemental, far from healing or freeing, -and often is very self serving,
(Christians are suppposed to serve others, we're supposed to love others, we're supposed to be (to others,) something where they say '...whoah, you're really cool, and you care because of GOD? ---who is this God? I gotta meet them, they gotta be excellent.'
--Instead it's like
'...yeah, they're schmucks, but their God is okay...'

This is the truth.
What you're looking for, the hope you want?
The intimacy and belonging to someone who means only good for you, ---who can guide your life? (Who knows what it's designed for?)
Your Designer and the true lover of your soul,
God (Christ... aka Jesus.)

I got no reason to lie.
I hate lies.
I hate people getting ripped off by endless lies, and constant waves of distraction, deadening of feelings, and all the other stuff people do just to escape life and themselves...

You want a better life? You want to feel better? You want not to be alone (deep down inside?) You want hope?

God.

I'd recommend singling Him out, asking a few honest questions:
'...Um, Hi, are you there, do you exist, and do you give a rip about me?'
(always a nice icebreaker.)
God's not shy, and has a way of communicating with folks on some pretty direct and intimate levels, you'd be surprised.

Maybe trying to read a Bible that's understandable (Email me, I'll send you one.)
And asking God to guide you to a few other folks who feel the same as you, who know Him.

It works.

Anybody got anything better?
Let me know.

It's been over 30 years I've been in this relationship, it's not been perfect... but it's been better than anything else I've seen, it's real, and I'm (honestly,) fulfilled and have hope.
And it's not because of me or anybody else but Christ.

If it wasn't true, I'd not take the time to write it, nor post it on a public message board.
(I may be a glutton for punishment in some ways, but I'm not an idiot.)

-contact me if you want, I'll be happy to talk (or pray) with you further.

-Be good, try to get some decent rest, remember to eat and bathe...
and you may want to avoid DeathMetal and Country and Western for a few days... (I suppose Emo too...)
--Funny, the Blues always seem to help...

I'd recommend the Five Blind Boys of Alabama.
Maybe some Kaiser & Mansfield...
There is an excellent album by a guy called Rich Mullins (Liturgy Legacy, Ragamuffin Band,)

And the Violet Burning: Strength (schadenfreunde... amazing amazing stuff.)

take care, hang in there

-Eric
OotV

>>juz wanna let all the pain go

So do it. Letting go really is that simple. OH WAIT! But then you won't get any attention?

I'll never understand this Emo / 'new' metal BS...

-s

no one will know or care to ask me why im in pain...juz wanna let all the pain go all my sufferings..im tired living in lies..day by day i live pretending that i am strong and happy though i know deep inside me i am dying slowly..im facing my battle all alone and nobody can understand everything about me...

Why is someone posting Linkin Park and/or Papa Roach lyrics?

hyphy.