Fresno Famous

This Christmas the snow will be a grayer white. The great leader of Turkmenistan, Turkmenbashi ("Father of All Turkmen") is no longer in his rightful place as ruler of Turkmenistan and anywhere else if he had wanted it that way.

Says Jarah Euston of the recently purchased Fresnofamous.com, "He [Saparmurat Niyazov (Turkmenbashi)] is my idol."

We can't have him back, but we can marvel at his accomplishments. Here's a humble list:

1. Renamed January after himself; April after his mother.
2. Co-wrote lyrics for Living Colour Song "Cult of Personality".
3. Erected a golden statue of himself that rotated so as to constantly face the sun.
4. Built a mosque costing 100 million U.S. dollars and named if after himself: "The Spirit of Turkmenbashi".
5. Once ate own weight in beerka to decide a run-off race against fictional opponent.
6. Authored and made mandatory reading a book of his philosophies, then put questions about it on the country's driver's license test.
7. Imprisoned or exiled every one of his political opponents.

When anything happens in another country, investigating journalists go there and ask a taxi driver what they think. This is because they can get off the plane and into a taxi headed for their hotel room where they can drink from the mini-bar until it's time to go home.

That's also because taxi drivers always see the big picture. One taxi driver said as a Turkmen he had to love Turkmenbashi because without him there would be no Turkmenistan. Another asked why he should be upset since Turkmenistan is a country at peace.

North Korea's number two in charge sent his condolences to Turkmenistan. That is Kim Jong Il's way of saying "You were a pretty sweet autocratic ruler, Turkmenbashi. But don't expect me to acknowledge it myself."