Winter is Perfect here
I want the weather as it is to be exactly as it is now until November please. Cold enough to want to snuggle into the blankets when I wake up, flirting with the sun as it slowly caresses me in the late afternoon.
I do not miss the blazing punch that summer has for me around here. Where its newsworthy to have hit more than 21 days of 100 degree weather in a row....yuck! Ok all done ranting about things that only change if I move.
I mention winter as my desire for Fresno because regardless of how I feel about winter I still seem to find myself slumped into the tail end of my normal depressive cycle at this time of year. June found me getting medications and staying on them for a long time. Hell I even found a Psychiatrist and saw him for 3 months.
Come January I was told I needed to find a new psychiatrist cause they rotate 3 of them at UMC adult mental health care and he would be going somewhere else. That sortve sucks I spend my time doing something I have never done before and I need to learn to trust someone else every year. On the other hand it will keep my game playing to a minimum? Not really I play stupid games regardless. Then my local druggist told me I needed to cough up 250$ for my medication. Month before that it was only a 10$ co-pay. Needless to say my 1100$ monthly disability can not squeeze rent food and electrical bills with a medication bill like that. Since I can not tell my family to give up on food or delay other bills I stopped taking my medications. Boom I haven't been able to leave the house since January and gained 50 pounds. Recently went back to Walgreen's to get my wife's medications. (short outside well planned trips are not intolerable but there infrequent)I tried to get my meds as well just in case and for some reason its now 3$ co-pay. Thanks Walgreens and various health insurance agencies I get to rebuild my life.........as usual.
I guess the good thing is I do not have to rebuild from being homeless I have done that many times during my depressed times. It just seems like a cycle I play out every 2-6 months since I was 12. I screw up my life then spend 2-6 months making it tolerable. This time I will do the same thing I did last year lose enough weight so I can walk and wipe my ass. Get on my medications find a new Psychiatrist. I am sooooo tired of doing this. I am sure my wife is tired of it. I don't see a way out. The tiniest bump sends me spiraling into a cycle I haven't found a way out of in 20 years. I will try again cause I still have my family. There motivation to keep trying.
Downtown Johnny Z....!
...dang buddy, so that's where you been...
The bad... okay.. there the bad is... kind of like finding a dead elk in your pantry, and you were just wanting to reach in and get the box of wheaties...
the good...
yep, there is a pantry, there is a box of wheaties,,, and damn'd if there isn't a 3 dollar co-pay... (..sweeet!)
i for one?
have always appreciated your honesty.
too many people in this place, as well on the site, tend to hide behind being wise-asses and just trading punches like a bunch of adolescent frat guys who still think it's cool to wrestle on sight, sit on each other's heads, and fart... (we are no longer 10.)
Despite the occasional schmuck remark, Please keep writing, it serves a lot of purposes... First off?
-it gets it out of your system. You are communicating with other organisms who too, need to be reminded that there is reality and honesty to be found in the 'no... that it's a struggle for all of us, that we need to pray for each other, and that life will fight to go on,
-the nakedness of it...
Straight? No Chaser?
I have infinite respect for anyone who shows up for work just as they are... even if it's bare-assed with the exception of just one bowling shoe and a Chicago Cubs ball cap
(I had a roommate who was hella on bees in the apartment who could be found frequently wandering around it in a pair of boxers, a cubs cap, muttering unreal insults at the little winged bastards as he swatting them into oblivion...)
It was an artform and he was the Barishnakov of Bee thumping....)
-Readers need a straight read of others lives... It gives them bearings, it's establishing where there is firm ground and pavement to walk on, and where there is goo or just a false backdrop.
Your stuff is the kind of thing that somebody reads, thinks about, puts a 10penny nail into and can build further things on... Most folks don't know how to build structures like that.
-Your writing is the equivalent of a 55 chevy frame that you can build a decent dirt car with, put in whatever engine you want, hang a suspension, weld on a cage, throw on some sheet metal, strap in a driver, ---and a lot of bullrings will be challanged and defeated for decades... (every once in awhile somebody back east finds one of these things off in the weeds, sandblasts it, repaints it and rebuilds it, and races it in front of gapers who are taken by the gorgeous beasts ----when they were built initially in the 50's...)
-My stuff will make it a few seasons...
-Yours will be well employed and broadsliding through turns for as long as there is dirt to race on.
The life part...
Yeah.
Maybe those close get sick of some aspects...
hell, I'm sure that there's aspects of all of us that drive each other nuts...
---but those are merely the quirks, my friend...
It's the stuff that your closest friends and those who love you will always say, 'jeeez, I hate it when he does that...'
---but it's that and the rest of you evokes complete adoration.
Even if you had issues, (and we all do,) and were mean? on top of it?, you're family would still need you. (Families are like that... most folks don't get it...
People need family, half the time they don't care if somebody is 'mean'... they just NEED their family.) (That's why we, as individuals shouldn't be assholes, it's not so much just because it's wrong, and we're supposed to be nice to each other, ---it's that those who love us need us no matter what, and will put up with us being assholes,,, it's out of respect for their vulnerability, and out of respect for their unconditional love... THATS why...
---You sir, are far from mean...
That means that you are a blessing to them... through all of this.
Because you are simply there, and they do need that...
(Try not to loose sight of such a thing.)
The UMC junior shrinks???
yeah... it's kind of a pain in the ass to have to meet somebody new all the time, but look at it this way...
1. They are basically reading the charts, going with the information that you've given and the prev. docs have done, ---and they're not too likely to make any sudden changes or have any 'genius,' moments where they're going to go re-braiding your wires for you... (so there will be stability there, -unless you raise a paw and say...'um, I'm finding 'blah-blah,' is not working as well, -what'dya think?
--So, yeah, it's not a deep interpersonal thing... they're more like technicians...
2.-the Positive of that??? Well... in a long haul sense, they're helping you, as a person get YOURSELF down the road... (there isn't going to be a dependency on somebody else... ---that is actually a VERY empowering and strengthening thing... (It's like buying parts and fuel for your pickup...
it's nice to have a familar face,
-but what you want really need are the correct parts and the gas to go where it's supposed to...
--so what you REALLY need is somebody who knows what they're doing, (will give you the right stuff,)
-a smiling face? just an extra...
Bottom line?,
-you get what you need, and you got trouble to go find, (you, being a busy boy, grab the goods, a copy of the BEE (or NewYork Times,) a cup of mud, say, '...thanks bud, bubye, have a good one...'
-and, boom, (out the door you go...)
(Try to see it as a cross between dancing acrossed the pond at Roeding on the lillypads (wearing or not wearing a tu-tu,)
or
James Bond running across the river on the snapping jaws of all the alligators. (he was not, I believe, in a tu-tu.)
-Everything under God's Heaven serves it's purpose... even us.
Finally....
Garrison Keillor on PHC was talking about the snow that has been hitting the towns out there, and how with the severe snow it brought the bears, and how the bears could be fierce, and savage, and roaring, and then would be so sweet and kind, and playful,,, and then they were all at once fierce and savage and roaring....
...yes, they were Bi-Polar bears....
(Here's to winter, and those ten minutes of Spring the city council has just voted in...)
Post new comment