Nothing is scarier than Halloween. Also, nothing is scarier than Visalia. And when you put two and two together, you better wear your Depends with that J-Lo costume, honey, because it’s going to be a guaranteed shit-in-your-pants-fest. (And also because it makes your butt look just about her size.)

Here’s the only Halloween week/weekend events you need to know about:

Vossler Farms

For the I-am-so-lost-and-will-never-see-my-family-again kind of scary

Not since the X-Files movie has corn ever looked or smelled so terrifying. That earthy damp stench gets to you about hour 6 of fighting your way out of that damn maze. And when you conveniently forget your flashlight and were too cheap to buy one at the stand and the sun sets on you in the middle of only station #7, don't come crying to me. Cry instead to your friendly neighborhood helicopter pilot, like I told you before to do.

(Go to www.vosslerfarms.com for times, prices, etc. etc. )

Sequoia Mall Haunted Warehouse

For the why-yes-I-do-enjoy-camouflaged-demented-
unpaid-volunteers-to-jump-in-front-of-me kind of scary

Ever since Ross vacated the Sequoia Mall for greener pastures, the city of Visalia has taken that as a metaphor that Ross has passed away and is in Heaven now with all the pretty angels and a Dress Barn. The empty grave in the side of the mall is now a haunted hellhole, and they conveniently charge $5 admission to see it.

Time: 6-10 pm Oct. 26-27 and 6-9 pm Oct. 29-31.

(And it can't be left unsaid: If I were to come up with a name out of thin air for a clothing store where all the pretty angels shopped, it would have to be Dress Barn.)

Hobbs Grove

For the all-of-the-above-plus-a-hay-ride kind of scary

I confess, it's been years since I've made the trek to Sanger, but it's a tradition for many Central Valley residents to take their little cousin on the haunted hayride just to see if they get knocked over by a goblin. (Head injuries are fun AND scary!)

But I haven't been to Hobb's Grove in a long time. Also, it's hella expensive. If you're 12 and up, it's $10 for the hayride, $12.50 for the haunted house, and $12.50 for the haunted forest.

That boooooooo sound you hear across town is not a ghost -- it's 200 mothers booing those prices.

Thurston Moore

For the holy-hell-what-kind-of-superstar-magnet-
place-is-this-town-becoming kind of scary

Experimental-art-rock god Thurston Moore -- yes, the guy in Sonic Youth, I shit you not -- is coming to Howie and Son's on Halloween night. Rumor has it that he actually asked to come to Visalia, which will make him the first person in history to ever ask to come to Visalia.

9 pm Oct. 31, $10. Wear costumes, but no masks. Personally, I'm going to dress up as Thurston Moore and steal his equipment to auction on eBay. No one copy me.

Corey's Halloween Nightmare Show

For the how-many-sharp-pointy-
metal-things-are-ON-these-people? kind of scary

For all your punk, hardcore, crustcore, apple-core, Marine-core and other -core needs, visit the aptly-named Corey's show Oct. 27 at 4 pm 3636 S Sallee. Just follow the trail of death across from Sequoia Mall -- and this time the corpses have nothing to do with Sears.

Wear a costume and it's $2, be a loser and it's $4.

And eyeliner is NOT a costume.

(Click here for the poster.)

Magoo's... or... ?

For the what-the-hell-is-this?-
Do-I-even-want-to-know? kind of scary

"Halloween bash at magoo's on saturday."

That's all I know about that. Um, thanks MushroomJazz..... ?

Harvest Festivals galore

For the I-drink-the-symbolic-blood-of-a-2000-year-old-rabbi-
but-I-won't-let-my-kids-watch-The-Simpsons kind of scary

OK, I'm really not anti-Christian here (looks up at God and awaits my smiting). See, look, I'm listing all you churches who want to hollow out Halloween and turn it into some generic harvest festival. See? Publicity!

Oct. 31, from 5-ish to 9-ish, all these places will be having... sigh... "harvest festivals"....

* Heart of the Valley Christian Fellowship, Walnut and County Center * GateWay Church, 1100 S. Sowell * Visalia New Life Church, 1905 E. Noble * Sundale Union School, 13990 Ave. 240 in Tulare * Wayside Church of Nazarene, 1929 E Bardsley in Tulare * Tulare Community Church, 1820 Gem St. in Tulare.

And I just realized that people will look up the names of these churches on Google in good faith, find my site and see a cuss word or two. If that is you reading this right now, I am sorry to have defiled your virgin eyes.

*smite*

Grab bag of other stuff

For the who-gives-a-crap kind of scary

• Costume party at The Depot 9 pm Oct. 27 with Rene Emilio playing whatever he plays every week at The Depot. Sounds like it's for rich people.

• Buckman Mitchell Haunted Insurance -- er, Hotel. On Oct. 31 3-5 pm they will turn their old downtown building into a haunted-yet-kid-friendly hotel. Sounds like it's for poor people. (And, funnily enough, it is -- price of admission is canned food for Visalia Emergency Aid.)

Not-so-Halloween stuff

For the this-ain't-scary-this-is-my-brother kind of non-scary

These events have nothing to do with Halloween, but they're this weekend anyway, and as a public service announcement I would like to remind you of how I may or may not have informed you of their existences:

• Sundays at the Oval. WHY this event had next to ZERO press coverage is completely mind-boggling. It has everything the media could want - city council candidates, city council candidates on the NORTH SIDE in a PUBLIC AREA, a community radio station that's by all accounts made completely from scratch from Visalian volunteers, music, and a family-friendly festival in a notorious park... it's absolute bullshit that no one is paying attention. So I am here to do the right thing and promote this event. It's this Sunday the 28, 2-7 pm. The flyer can be found here. And you should go there.
• Guitar Hero tournament. I'm a big fan of Guitar Hero, and I'm stoked that Saturday there will be a tournament in the historical halls of the Fox Theatre from 12-9 pm. It’s $3 to watch, $20 to play, and the top award is $200. And the Widders perform, too, making that $3 worth the price of admission.
• Downtown Arts Trolley - Just show up downtown Oct. 27 (Saturday) from 11 to 3 pm, and the trolley will give you a free ride to several arts venues in downtown Visalia. Yes, there are several.

Anyone have any others? I'll do a post-Halloween roundup once this spooky crap is done with. So send in your submissions! Visit me at http://visaliasnark.wordpress.com for feedback and for other long-winded try-much-too-hard-to-be-funny articles.

With me or at me, as long as you have a laugh.